How to position a 'difficult conversation'

🤔 It is remarkable how a difficult conversation can change completely, simply by how you position it.

So many leaders walk into challenging conversations feeling tense, guarded or braced for impact.

When a discussion is framed as YOU versus THEM, even the smallest issue can feel confrontational. It is no surprise that avoidance becomes the default, especially for women leaders navigating complex dynamics or power imbalances.

A leader I recently coached was gearing up for a meeting with her chair of trustees. She felt criticised, overwhelmed and already on the back foot before she stepped into the room.

The turning point came when we explored how she was positioning the conversation. Instead of seeing the issue as a judgement on her, she reframed it as a shared problem to solve together.

This approach is well supported by research, including Fisher and Ury’s work on interest-based negotiation, which shows that placing “the problem in front of both of us”, rather than between us, reduces defensiveness and makes solutions easier to reach.

Armed with this mindset shift, she entered the meeting differently. The tone softened, the dialogue opened and they reached agreements that had previously felt out of reach.

She walked away feeling respected, lighter and much more in control.

The key is to shift positionality.

Rather than standing opposite someone, you stand with them, treating the issue as something you SHARE responsibility for.

This aligns with decades of research on cooperative conflict, including Tjosvold’s findings that joint problem framing leads to more open communication, less defensiveness and more constructive outcomes.

A few simple language shifts make a huge difference:

• “How can we approach this together?”

• “What’s getting in the way for both of us?”

• “Let’s explore this side by side.”

This approach also echoes Positioning Theory, which shows that when we adopt collaborative roles rather than adversarial ones, conversations become more equitable and effective.

👉 If you want support reshaping how you approach courageous conversations, drop me an email info@claireplattcoaching.co.uk

✨ Together, we can help you lead with clarity, confidence and collaboration, even when the topics are tough.

References

Fisher, R. and Ury, W. (1981) Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.

Harré, R. and van Langenhove, L. (eds.) (1999) Positioning Theory: Moral Contexts of Intentional Action. Oxford: Blackwell.

Tjosvold, D. (2006) ‘Defining conflict and making choices about its management: Lighting the dark side of organisational life’, International Journal of Conflict Management, 17(2), pp. 87–95.