People Pleasing

🤔 Have you ever felt that you can't say something? That you're afraid to voice something that will potentially upset others?

I am a recovering people pleaser. My preferred style of communication is positive and upbeat. I want people to like and respect me. I also want to celebrate the accomplishments of others, soothe them when they are feeling wounded, empathise with them in challenging moments.

You might think that these are all great qualities - and I know that they are to a point. However, people pleasing starts to become a problem if it starts to interfere with getting your own needs met. For example, when you find yourself unable to be authentic, open and honest when something displeases you or upsets you. This can undermine relationships as others will instinctively pick up that you are not being genuine. It can build up resentment resulting in your wellbeing being impacted too.

I am currently working with a leader who is struggling with the negative impact of people pleasing. She is struggling because she is finding it hard to have a 'challenging' conversation with a colleague to feedback ways in which this member of staff needs to improve their performance. The issue is increasing workload and stress for the leader.

My client has struggled to articulate this problem openly and honestly. She has tried a number of different ways to communicate this issue, but due to her people pleasing tendencies, and her fear of causing any upset or offence, the message hasn't really been getting through. Because her needs are not being met, this is causing her exhaustion, stress and resentment.

The coaching sessions have enabled her to recognise this trait in herself, and to consider ways in which she might respond to the situation differently. She has recognised the need to communicate clear boundaries, and then hold these firm. She has learnt that others will not necessarily respect boundaries - it is up to us as individuals to do this. She has reframed her thinking. She previously worried about what others would think about her sharing this type of feedback. She is beginning to appreciate, that by clearly communicating her own needs, she is actually sounding strong and assertive and will be respected for this.

🤔 If this resonates with you, you are not alone! Many of us, including myself, have struggled with people pleasing. How has it shown up for you in your life? Has it affected relationships, wellbeing or your work performance?